Inability To Express...

I realise I'm suffering from a disease...

It's called the Inability-To-Express-What-I-Truly-Mean syndrome...
Haha and yeah I agree... It has a f**king long name...

Anyway, coming back to this illness of mine... I don't know when I was diagnosed to it... Maybe was the day I reached my "Nirvana" where I realised that the world I live in is a bloody cynical one...

But whichever the case, it seems like not only I've lost my ability to tear (refer to "Tears..." post), I've also lost my ability to express my true feelings in words or actions!

Words just don't come naturally anymore like they used to be... It doesn't come out the way I wanted it to be or what I meant to be... Instead, at some point it is of a totally different meaning!!

I've lost control in my ability to communicate!!

What have I done to myself?!... Next thing I know I'm paralysed...
But before I reach THAT stage, I shall continue with this blog first...

I think I'm not alone when trying to defeat this illness of mine... I'm sure there are many poor souls out there are suffering the same fate as me... Or maybe I should say every now and then, ANYBODY could suffer such a disease...
It's a modern disease... And like all other diseases, it's caused by stress, fatigue and most importantly criteria, the Lack of Trust between people!

We could no longer able to express freely as we want anymore... And it gets worst with age...

Didn't you realise that?
We could no longer hop around and sing when we're happy or just jolly well cry our hearts out when we're f**king sad like the days as a kid...
Things gets Complicated when we gets OLDER...

For what reason? I don't know...
But it's a stupid society rule that OLDER people are not supposed to show their emotions... Just like Men are not suppose to cry...

F**K social norms and rules!!

When then can we freely express what we truly meant? Or show the true self of ourselves?

When there's such a day to come, it'll be the time I am truly cured from this illness...

Memory...

I once did a theatre module in school... There is once during our practical session, our tutor wanted us to tap deep into our heart... And in order to that, you have to capture a very distinct memory and hold on to it... Slowly relive each moment of the memory... How you felt at that instant... What happened to each and everyone in that scenario... It's like stretching the moment in slow motion so that you can experience the whole experience thoroughly...

Yes, it sounds ridiculous... And on top of it, your arm will slowly move up from your side to the spot you were focusing on all these while, Automatically...

My tutor did the demonstration on it... And for the whole 10 minutes we were just sitting there looking at him slowly moving his arm up...

Sounds outrageous, huh?
Just when you were thinking what kind of stuffs they teach in the universities nowadays...

However, the crux of the whole practical came... We were about to lose our attention and drift to our la-la land, when our tutor teared...

Yes, he's a man... And yes, that was tears flowing down his cheeks... It kept flowing until his hands were up pointing at the focal point he was concentrating on...
Later he broke away from the whole exercise, wiped his tears and told us that throughout the whole process he was focusing on this specific memory where his dad was tying his shoelace for him when he was a boy... He always had trouble learning to tie his shoelace and by reliving that moment, he could feel the love his father had for him...

He wanted us to choose a significant memory of ours and focus on it... By doing so, you are actually tapping into the very deep end of your heart... We were, of course, feeling absurd... But had no choice, except to do what he said... So we all tried...

I did it...

And yes... Trust me the hand DO automatically goes up...

And yes, I teared...

Didn't realize I was tearing until a drop landed on my hand...

I "woke up"...

The entire process was very energy-draining... And very dramatic too... Though no noise was made but you could feel everyone in class had just when down their personal memory lane...

Maybe by now you were asking so which memory I chose...

It was the one on my grandfather's funeral...
The moment when the coffin was pushed into the flames...
That moment was dramatic... Both in reality and in my memory...

I loved my grandpa... And will always do... Had a picture of him in my schedule book which I bring all over the place with... There is a sense of peacefulness in him which I can find tranquility in... He's like the anchor for my ship...

And till this day I still remember the very scene in which he hugged me and we both cried... And till this day I'm not able to forgive myself and those involved for making my dear grandfather teared...

I fell into depression right after his death... It was my lowest point of my life... And to relive that specific moment is both taxing and emotional for me...

Frankly speaking, though the whole process sounds stupid, I thank the tutor for giving me the chance to tap into my heart...

Something which we always forget...
To do things where the heart is...

And memories make up a huge part of the heart... Memories allow us to remember the exact feeling we had at that moment... How exactly our heart felt at that instant... Learn those lessons in life and never repeat the mistakes we had done...

And if there is ever a God, I thank him for giving me all the memories I had... Be it good or bad...
And also thank Him for giving me my beloved grandpa...