Inability To Express...

I realise I'm suffering from a disease...

It's called the Inability-To-Express-What-I-Truly-Mean syndrome...
Haha and yeah I agree... It has a f**king long name...

Anyway, coming back to this illness of mine... I don't know when I was diagnosed to it... Maybe was the day I reached my "Nirvana" where I realised that the world I live in is a bloody cynical one...

But whichever the case, it seems like not only I've lost my ability to tear (refer to "Tears..." post), I've also lost my ability to express my true feelings in words or actions!

Words just don't come naturally anymore like they used to be... It doesn't come out the way I wanted it to be or what I meant to be... Instead, at some point it is of a totally different meaning!!

I've lost control in my ability to communicate!!

What have I done to myself?!... Next thing I know I'm paralysed...
But before I reach THAT stage, I shall continue with this blog first...

I think I'm not alone when trying to defeat this illness of mine... I'm sure there are many poor souls out there are suffering the same fate as me... Or maybe I should say every now and then, ANYBODY could suffer such a disease...
It's a modern disease... And like all other diseases, it's caused by stress, fatigue and most importantly criteria, the Lack of Trust between people!

We could no longer able to express freely as we want anymore... And it gets worst with age...

Didn't you realise that?
We could no longer hop around and sing when we're happy or just jolly well cry our hearts out when we're f**king sad like the days as a kid...
Things gets Complicated when we gets OLDER...

For what reason? I don't know...
But it's a stupid society rule that OLDER people are not supposed to show their emotions... Just like Men are not suppose to cry...

F**K social norms and rules!!

When then can we freely express what we truly meant? Or show the true self of ourselves?

When there's such a day to come, it'll be the time I am truly cured from this illness...

Memory...

I once did a theatre module in school... There is once during our practical session, our tutor wanted us to tap deep into our heart... And in order to that, you have to capture a very distinct memory and hold on to it... Slowly relive each moment of the memory... How you felt at that instant... What happened to each and everyone in that scenario... It's like stretching the moment in slow motion so that you can experience the whole experience thoroughly...

Yes, it sounds ridiculous... And on top of it, your arm will slowly move up from your side to the spot you were focusing on all these while, Automatically...

My tutor did the demonstration on it... And for the whole 10 minutes we were just sitting there looking at him slowly moving his arm up...

Sounds outrageous, huh?
Just when you were thinking what kind of stuffs they teach in the universities nowadays...

However, the crux of the whole practical came... We were about to lose our attention and drift to our la-la land, when our tutor teared...

Yes, he's a man... And yes, that was tears flowing down his cheeks... It kept flowing until his hands were up pointing at the focal point he was concentrating on...
Later he broke away from the whole exercise, wiped his tears and told us that throughout the whole process he was focusing on this specific memory where his dad was tying his shoelace for him when he was a boy... He always had trouble learning to tie his shoelace and by reliving that moment, he could feel the love his father had for him...

He wanted us to choose a significant memory of ours and focus on it... By doing so, you are actually tapping into the very deep end of your heart... We were, of course, feeling absurd... But had no choice, except to do what he said... So we all tried...

I did it...

And yes... Trust me the hand DO automatically goes up...

And yes, I teared...

Didn't realize I was tearing until a drop landed on my hand...

I "woke up"...

The entire process was very energy-draining... And very dramatic too... Though no noise was made but you could feel everyone in class had just when down their personal memory lane...

Maybe by now you were asking so which memory I chose...

It was the one on my grandfather's funeral...
The moment when the coffin was pushed into the flames...
That moment was dramatic... Both in reality and in my memory...

I loved my grandpa... And will always do... Had a picture of him in my schedule book which I bring all over the place with... There is a sense of peacefulness in him which I can find tranquility in... He's like the anchor for my ship...

And till this day I still remember the very scene in which he hugged me and we both cried... And till this day I'm not able to forgive myself and those involved for making my dear grandfather teared...

I fell into depression right after his death... It was my lowest point of my life... And to relive that specific moment is both taxing and emotional for me...

Frankly speaking, though the whole process sounds stupid, I thank the tutor for giving me the chance to tap into my heart...

Something which we always forget...
To do things where the heart is...

And memories make up a huge part of the heart... Memories allow us to remember the exact feeling we had at that moment... How exactly our heart felt at that instant... Learn those lessons in life and never repeat the mistakes we had done...

And if there is ever a God, I thank him for giving me all the memories I had... Be it good or bad...
And also thank Him for giving me my beloved grandpa...

Tears...

I was told that I was a cry baby when I was young… Cried at the slightest matter… Seems like I’m not a very likeable baby then…

However, as I grow older I realized something… I could no longer cry easily as I used to be… It seems to me that the only time I see my tears nowadays is when my brain is suffering from oxygen deficiency – yawning…

I’ve lost my ability to cry!

I like crying…

I mean the process of it… I see it as a form of relief… Just like sighing… It lets out all the negative feelings that are held within…

And there are times I wish I could just cry it out…
But it seems like my tear duct has died on me…

Is it that I’ve really lost my ability to cry?
Or is it that the matter is not worth crying?

I don’t know…

To me, crying is not a sign of weakness…

Instead, I actually see it as an act of bravery and I’m envy those who are able to cry easily… These are the people who are brave enough to show their emotions openly…

Something I truly lack of…

Especially when it comes to negative emotions…

There seemed to be a glass wall between the real me and the one I present… Maybe subconsciously I believe that by opening up these emotions I’m actually opening up myself to more danger…

To what danger?

I don’t know…
It’s like a natural instinct to protect myself… Maybe too much at times I think…

Sometimes, by opening up is also a way of protection…

Something I should Really learn about...

Procrastinate...

I'm the Queen of Procrastination... I leave EVERYTHING to the VERY last minute...

And when I say Everything... I really meant EVERYTHING... Every aspects in life... Be it small or big...

One common example would be my studies, of course... Here I am suppose to study for my bloody exams but what am I doing now... Huh? Huh? Huh? Blogging...

I can't make up my mind till the very very last minute... Even when it comes to ordering food... There are times where I couldn't make up my mind of what I want to eat even when the poor waiter is standing next to me... Waiting to take my orders... Someone is getting agitated here... And I can tell you it's not me...

Now we know why Singapore has such poor service...

"Don't blame us lah! Blame the lousy 'can't make up their god-damn minds' customers"... Ha!

Anyway, let's not side-track and go into the service quality of Singapore (That's one whole big chunk of discussions)... Coming back to Procrastination... Yup, I've admitted I'm one of its devotee... A big one somemore...

But... Who isn't?

Be it a small or big fan... No matter how one is disciplined, there're just times where you tend to postpone something which you know you're suppose to do for something else...

Temptations... The root of all evil... Bad! Bad! Bad!...

Ah... I've said the unspeakable...

We all know the existence of temptations... And when we procrastinate something for temptations... This is the last thing we want to hear... That what we're doing is bad...

So here I am... Happily typing away... There's this tiny little voice at the end of my head telling me what I'm doing now is bad... I know! But I'm still typing away...
Reason? Because...

I'M THE QUEEN OF PROCRASTINATION!!

p.s.: Hey! I've got to live up to that name you know...

Rain...

I like it when it's raining...

It seems like the whole world was being washed up... Everything becomes fresh and clean after a downpour...
If only life works that way...

If only there's such a thing like rain in our life that washes us up after a mess... Wash away our dirt and leave everything as if it's untouched before...

If only...

"Rain Rain, Go away, Come again another day"

Why do we want it to go away?

So that we can rebuild everything all over again... Have a second chance to start from the beginning...
If only life works that way...

Rain... It's such a small thing in life yet it brings out the simplest fact of life...

Wants in Life...

Everyone wants to be well-liked... No matter how much one can say he/she doesn't care what the world view of him/her... At the end, we'll still try to do things that somehow more or less trying to please someone...

This is why praises work so well!

Anyone who receives a praise will definitely have the feel-good feeling no matter it's true or false... As long as it is soothing to the ear, we'll be beaming away!

And we'll always try our best to earn these praises, thus we strive to gain popularity from everyone... For mild cases, we don't mind some small sacrifices here and there to gain for such acceptance.

However, for some seriously praise-starved people, they could go to the extent of pleasing others till they lost themselves along the way... They no longer know what they want or what they should do for themselves anymore... Their lives are revolved around the people they tried so hard to gain recognition from... Trying so hard to be accepted... In other words, lose themselves along the way...

What made up of us then?

It's...
Our opinions;
Our own way of doing things;
Our own set of moral values;
Our principles;
Our past and present;
Our ambitions;
And etc...

Although I agree that the people around us DO play a part of influencing us... It should of a small degree only... We shouldn't be made up of the expectations that others had on us... It should be made up of what WE want for ourselves...

However, coming to know what we want for ourselves is not an easy process... We need alot of trips and falls along the way to make up what we are today...

Therefore, all I can say is that, for my case, I haven't had enough of these lessons in life to be sure of what I want at the end of the road...

Karma...

Do you know that there's really such things as karma? It's not a myth that was created by our parents to stop innocent kids like us to do something naughty...

It REALLY does exist!! Trust me...

Recently, I had my karma... sigh... Did something naughty and next thing I know...

"Pham"

My past had came back to haunt me... Haunt? Too strong of a word... It's like a nice dream BUT a Very long one... It just don't seem to end... It's nice, but somehow or another won't it be better if things end at its greatest? Let the memory be beautiful than prolonging it till it turns ugly... That's what I think... However, it seems like I'm the only one who sees it...

My past... A very short one... But also a very memorable one... However, it didn't last... Not because of any cliche reasons, it's just that I don't even want it to start in the beginning... Why? Maybe because I'm not ready for it? And also I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel... Why waste time and effort on stuffs that is not going to work out?

Anyway, to all those who has naughty thoughts out there... Don't even think about it! Karma REALLY do exist!

Patience...

How do you calculate patience? How much is patient and how much is impatient?

Anyone who is able to come up with numerical equation for this should receive a Nobel Prize…
And not some guy who comes up with the equation for economic growth for poor economic student to mug on… At least the patient quotient is of good use to ALL mankind…

Anyway, come back to patience… I don’t think I’m known for my patience… Everything to me has to be done in a jiffy… *snap snap fingers*…

I can’t wait for things to happen… Nor can I stand wasting of time… If things are not progressing, for better or for worst, I moved on… With or without the other party… My life is too short to be wasted like that! Or should I say Everybody’s lives are too short to be wasted on dwelling on the past or settling for a decision…

There’re some circumstances where one has to be enduring to another… However, this should only be done under special situation and of a limited time period… When you get too patient with one, they tend to take you for granted…

So to the one out there…

Conclusion: My patience has run out for your case…

Decadence...

Immorality: A state of uninhibited self-indulgence; a process of civilization’s decline…

It seems like this word is anything but good…

I was taught recently that our society needs a kind of system to function on… That is why there’s the existence of social norms… Social norms... The underlying pillar for our beloved society… These are the reasons why we’re civilized… Made us different from the other beasts in this animal kingdom…

Huh... So we come to the word decadence…

Being guided by these unsaid rules and regulations, we’re not supposed to immerse ourselves in self-indulgence…

Anything which is in excess is bad…
Anything which is too extreme is terrible…
Anything which is against the norm is detrimental…

When can one really submerge himself into his own indulgences without worrying about what this society view of him?

When am I able to do this? Or is it that there’s a reason why decadence is being portrayed in such a negative view… Maybe those who had been there and done that had truly hurt themselves along the way… Thus, the reason for such negativity?

I truly don’t know… I had always been one who lives on the safe side… Always guided by these regulations… To the extent that people seems to have forgotten about my existence… Do I have to cross over the line to make my existence known? Am I ready for decadence? Is decadence, in the first place, good?

Stop and Smell the Flowers...

A brand new week, a brand new start... I live each week by week, each day by day... I know what I want in the long run, but in the short run I live each moment by itself...

Stop and smell the flowers...

In this hectic world of ours, how many of us can afford such luxury of spare time and energy to do it? We always try to get what we thought we wanted in our younger days... Then when we achieved what we set out for or worst still didn't get what we wanted.... At the stage where we've reached our middle-age, we would realised that we had missed all the flowers along the way... And to make matter worst, we're so disillusioned with what we want that we've lost our sense of smell...

Such talk will make one lose his drive...

Work...

Have you all ever had this experience in life whereby you suffer from a nervous breakdown just because life was so caught up with you? Or ever had workload that seems never-ending... No matter how you much you plan or accomplished, it is just not ending... Workload comes one after another... Just when you thought you saw a light at the end of the tunnel...

Then "PHAM!"... The mountain is back...

We'll always ask "When is this f**king shit going to end?"

Let me tell you...

IT DOESN'T END!!!...

It's true!! We slog our whole life for our education...

Then for our career...

Then for our children...

Then for out retirement...

Next thing you know... People are attending your funeral... You just became another statistic... Pathetic huh? Face it! This is life! We can't defy GOD's will, or go against social norms...

So what can we do? Go on slogging!! There's nothing you or me can do to change this cold hard reality...

We're made to work...

Love...

It's an excuse for the reproduction of human species...

Many of you will think that I'm being too cynical here... But after all the damage I've seen that is done on the expense of love... You can't blame me on for being so skeptical... Pro-love supporters will claim that because there's so much sweetness in love, that's why there's so much hurt involve...

Personally, I don't buy it... If this is the case... Then I would rather do WITHOUT this so-called sweetness...

Recently, I've came across this case...

After 20 odd years of union, the man found out from an outsider that the woman that was sleeping beside him all these years turned out to be so different from the one that he thought he knew... Realised the betrayals and ultimate truths that she has been hiding from him all these years... All the stuffs she has done unto him without his knowledge... Given any sane man... He would have flared up and left her... This man didn't... He didn't confront her... All he said was " I've been a fool for these 10 years"... He hasn't left her... Yet...

Was it love? Or was it the thought of living a life without her... The fear of changing unchanged... I don't know... However, no matter what is the reason behind it... At the end of the day... I'm just going to blame it on love...

It's a powerful tool... Many had use it as an excuse to hurt the one they so-claim love... Intentionally or unintentionally? I don't care!! The harm has done... It's the same concept as mending the broken vase or nailing the nail into the fence and taking it out again... The scar has been inflicted...

And guess what... Such harm not only affect the direct party... Those who are near are also being affected... Sometimes, they wound more than the victim themselves... Reason? Because they do not have the stand to scream and shout out their grievances... And not only do they have to bottle up their feelings... They have to be THERE for the wounded... Constantly... Why? Because given that they have gone through all these alone... They know that the journey to recovery is a long and tedious one... Thus, they know the importance of companionship along the way...

Therefore, NEVER underestimate the ones beside you... Sometimes, they love you more than the ONE, you thought... Though they can't give you the sweetness that the ONE gave you... But... They can give you the comfort you need when you are most wounded...

Love?? Arrgh... It's for those who hasn't reach "Nirvana"... A game for fools... An excuse to hurt someone...

Manipulation...

There's always a time in your life where you'll somehow be manipulated or staged a manipulation...

No matter how "pure" or "innocent" this person is. It's in the blood of man to be selfish... More or less we'll always weigh the pros and cons behind each decision we make... and how it'll concern us... After much consideration, we'll then choose the one that is of advantage to us... Through this act, we've manipulate the whole situation... The difference between a scheming person and a common man would be that the scheming one is able to manipulate the whole situation without getting caught... While a common man will tend to let out his tail or is too excited to let others know of his tricks...

Is manipulation a good thing then?

For those who're being used would definitely oppose to this act... However, we'll have to question ourselves... Didn't we tried to pull such act on others before? Just because you're now in the losing end doesn't mean that Manipulation itself is a bad thing...

Personally, I'm one who supports such agenda... Manipulation... It's a must-have survival skill in this modern jungle... Survival of the fittest! However, there're those out there who says that scheming equivalent to evil... No, I don't agree... At least for me... Being able to manipulate has made me who I am today... And it actually helped me in surviving in the harsh environment I lived in... If I'll to be ignorant and be pushed around, I would have landed myself in mental instituition... There're to many unanswerable questions in my life... However, by being able to manipulate... I'm able to change the whole situation to my side of the table and make others see my point of view... And not see their own disillusioned ones... See? It helped me... So... I'm going to keep this skill of mine... Even though many view it as something negative... I can never go back to that innocent girl I used to be...

However, nor am I going to let others know that I'm no longer the innocent girl... This is how a master of manipulation works....

Tests...

Every now and then, someone somewhere is going through a rough patch in their life... Some complained, some slipped into depressions and some even decided to take the easy way out...

For someone who has been through many downs in life, I would suggest to these lost sheeps out there... Take these as tests in life... Tests that tests on your patience, on your endurance and even your perspectives in life... If one can walk out this whole mess... Congratulations! You've passed the tests that many failed... There's no grades for it though... However, the only thing you get out of it is a Stronger you... You may even walk out with a totally different perspective... Be it a more cynical or a better you... You've changed... It's through these changes we grow up and evolve... Embracing life in a brand new perception...

Welcome to REAL world, my boy...

Life......

Life... What's the defination for it? Hmmm.. I wonder... We always grumble about it, always try to live the fullest of it, always hate it... So what is it? Why is it so difficult to live life? Why is there some who craves for it while there are those who can't wait to end it?

My life... I live in a crazy world... Revolve around crazy people who are always not happy with their lives... At times I join them, but most of the time I'm there as their listener them... This is the least I could do... Sometime I wonder... Is my existence in life is determined by how much I'm there for them?

It recently dawned me... When is the time someone out there is willing to hear what I've to say? Where is the Me for me?