To the one I disappoint the most...

Sorry...

Sorry for being such an inattentive bitch when you are back...

Sorry for not being able be there as much as I should...

Sorry for disappointing you... Something I swear I would NEVER do it on purpose...

Sorry for being too caught up with my life over here that I forgot the days we had... The love and support you have given me during those turbulent years... I'll never forget... This is why you meant so much to me even when others don't see the point...

I felt angry for you when they talked about you...

Most importantly, I felt angry about myself for not being able to do anything for you, to defend you to protect you...

I want to be there for you as much as you had for me...
I want you to be proud of me...
I want to be like you...
I want to be the person you want me to be...

Because I know you meant the best for me...

Many never understands why do I hold such esteem for you...
Reason is simple...

You were there for me at my darkest hours...
You made me who I am today...
You were the reason for me to wake up each morning to this cock-up world...
You kept me sane...
You were the mother I wished I had...

That's the you I see... That's why I put you in such high position in my heart... I love you more than anyone else in my life... This is why I am SO ashamed of myself when I had disappoint you now... I know that no amounts of Sorrys and explanations are going to undo whatever I've done...

But...
That's the least I could do...

Sorry...

Being Happy...

It seemed like an easy task for some or an extremely difficult chore for others...

A depressed friend once asked me... "Hey, how do you actually remain so happy most of the time?"
A question that really stumped me... Hmmm... So... People view me as a happy person... Ok... Because personally... I don't remember being happy Most of the time... I only know I'm smiling most of the time...

But there is a fine line between being happy and smiling... At least to me... There're times I don't really mean when I smile... I may not even be truly happy when I smile... This is how scary human can be... You never know if that person really meant what he/she means...
Some of my smiles are used to hide my fear, my ignorance or even my shyness... It is a way for me to divert people's attention from my true feeling... One of my shields in life...

However, when outsiders see me... With that smile... They would normally assume that I'm that kind of person who never gets upset, angry or depressed... They would naturally assume that negative feelings would never find its way to me... That is why some of them... Or should I say most of them will kind of take advantage of my happy nature and keep neglecting my feelings... They would not be as sensitive towards my feelings as they would to others... Just because I'm easily happy? So... Now being optimistic, being happy is my fault! That is why I don't deserve the kind of attention everyone is getting?

What is wrong with the world?

Seems like only when a person who has a perpetually F**ked-up face deserved to be kind to... Crazy world that we lived in... If what I say or conclude is true... Then it seems like the world is becoming a depressing and selfish place to live in... Everyone wants to be loved and no one wants to give...

Being happy... Is it that difficult?