Happy Belated Birthday to my blog...

Happy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday to MY BLOG!!

Happy Birthday to you!

It's been more than a year since I first started this blog!!!

Whao! How time flies... And I actually forgot about it!! Sobs... Keep reminding myself to remember to blog on the exact date (13th Oct)... But due to my busy schedule I actually forgot!!! arrgh... My Dory-memory...

Anyway, it's been a year... An eventful year... Many things have changed, for better and for worst... Guess I myself have changed too... But for better or for worst, that's for those around me to comment...

I love my blog... It's some place where I can throw my deepest thoughts into it... I also like the fact that not many people know about it... Thus, I can scream and shout all I want without worrying that I'm painting an ugly picture to my life...

Blogging to me is a emotional theraphy... It helps me to throw all the rubbish in my life into here and get the balance back... Thus, I don't blog everyday... Blog when it's neccessary for my emotional needs...

When blogging becomes an obligation, it defeats its purpose as a blog... A blog is like a diary, a place where you are free to pour out your thoughts and emotions... Not a place where you report the mudane details of your everyday life...

I blog-surf a lot... It's like a everyday habit... However, while I was surfing around some of the "popular" blogs, I realise that most people blogged about only the good stuffs in their life... It seems like they are painting a beautiful picture of their life to others... When a blog gets to such a state, I think it's pathetic... Somehow or another, it seems that you have lost the rights to your diary...

Thus, my blog's birthday wish would be that it will try not to lose its own flavour and continue to be a blog where its owner can blog whatever she wishes...
Be it good or bad...


So Happy Birthday Bloggie,

Will try to update you as much as I could...

Love,
Me

P-I-N-K hamsters!

Ok, I'm back!

Sorry for being absence for quite a while... Just finished with my Hell week... Phew... I've SURVIVED!! :D

The last one and a half weeks had been hell! Torturous! Urrgh... But thank god it's over... Though there's still assignments in the following weeks to come.. But at least they are not as packed as this past freaking week... sigh... What to do, I'm a full-time undergrad...

And talking about full-time... In case, for those out there who don't know me... I'm actually a part-time tuition teacher! :D Teaching "adorable" primary school kids...

In the past few months I've been a full-time tuition teacher and a part-time undergrad... hiahz... What to do, I'm such a good teacher... That's why... Ha...

But just last week, I just ended one of my tuitions... Teaching a two boys and a girl in a Korean family...

Taught the older brother, whose name is JungMin, Math... This boy is a genius, I tell you... Because they just arrived in S'pore, that's why JungMin who is 12 years old is doing primary 3 in his school... But I tell you, this boy's math is even better than any normal P6 kid in S'pore! That's why teaching him Math is considered such an easy job...

And for your info, JM is quite plump and has this little small slit eyes... Very KOREAN!! :D Though he is quite stubborn at times, I still enjoy teaching him...

And next would be his sister and a friend of theirs, Syu Hun and Sang Won... They are both 10 years old but doing P2... Though their Math is not as fabulous as JM, but they are just as cute... Ha!

They are here with JM's mom to study in S'pore. And I tell you, they are SO hardworking! They have around 7 tuition teachers for 4 kids... Some teaching Chinese, some Math and as for their English, they have different teacher teaching different aspect of it, example, a Grammer teacher, a Vocabulary teacher!

They don't go out during weekends... Weekends are normally filled up by tuitions... But these kids are not complaining! Whao! I'm impressed...

And guess what these little "angels" gave me during one of the tuitions?

Hamsters!
Two P-I-N-K ones!! (They are pink because JM was bored one day, therefore he took a few of them out and coloured them with red marker! Their mom washed the hamsters up, that's why they became PINK!) :D

Then you might ask, since you love them so much why are you giving them up?

Well, I had no choice, dearies... Afterall, giving tuitions is just a sideline... It shouldn't be eating up my studying time... So after much considerations, I quit... Which is very difficult for me because I really love them... And their quirky mom... Ha!

Their mom was quite sad when I quit... Felt terrible... If I could slot them into my tight timetable, I will... But... Sigh...

Thus, here I am, dedicating this super long blog to this this adorable, quirky Korean family, whom made my tuition days fun and enjoyable...

To Jung Min, Syu Hun and Sang Won,

All the best for your studies! I know you guys can do it...

Really miss you guys and especially your mom... Really glad to be able to teach you all... Though a short period of time, but I enjoyed it thoroughly! Hope you guys did too!

So take care and please seperate the hamsters from each other! To have 20 odd of them is a little too much, you know... Ha!

Miss you guys lots! Muackzzz



So now that I have more free time... It's time that I dedicate it to my studies, try to pull up my "*&^%$#@ " CAP score... sigh...

Cheers, people!

Undercurrents...

Everything seems normal...

Everything seems fine...

Everything seems like before...

Or is it?

Undercurrents are still flowing and I'm still fighting that devil in me... Will continue with my battle...

But as for now, really thank all my friends who had raised their concerns for me... Don't worry, I'm fine... Or at least I know I'm going to be fine... Like I said, I've got to walk this out by myself...
Will continue doing so to emerge a stronger Me...

What I don't know won't kill me...

Is there some things in your life that you wish you hadn't know? Live in a world of ignorant... Wish you didn't know what happened, wish that it didn't happen...

I'm now at such a situation... There're some things I don't want to know and I don't wish to know... Maybe because subconciously I hoped it didn't happen... Many would say this is a cowardly way of doing things...
Refuse to face the music...

But, what I don't know won't kill me... Let me live in ignorance... For it is at least I chose to be in for now...

However, as much as I want to run away from it...
I still know...

Got to know what I didn't want to know in the first place...
Got to see what I don't want to see...

Got hurt as a result... Feeling terrible... So this is what they meant when they say "broken heart"... I can truly feel it... The pain in me, is like someone stabbing me... Onto the very core of me...

It hurts like shit, but there's no one to turn to... For it's my journey... Something I've to go through myself... Got to walk out this whole mess to make a stronger Me...

But till then, bear with my ramblings... For I can foresee more to come...

Insecure...

I'm feeling insecure these days...

I don't know why...

Most of the time I'm happy, really feeling happy from the bottom of my heart...
However, when things quieten down... Like now, middle in night when all are quiet, all are calm... That's when the insecurity looms in... It slowly creeps into me...
Engulfing me...
At least, that is what I'm feeling right now...

What contributes to this insecurity?
Many... Too many to list, too afraid to face it...

My solution to this -
Keep myself busy... Really busy...
Giving tuitions;
Going for classes;
Packing up my room;
Watch tv;

However, there're still times where such feeling still looms in... It seems like it's just waiting outside... Waiting for any free moment in my life so that it can creeps to fill me...

And when it happens, I would then make myself go to sleep... Sleep off these bad feelings... Hoping it'll go away by the time I'm up...

Hoping...

A picture paints a thousand words...

The long overdued pictures...

Me at Mandai Zoo's Ben & Jerry's:

One and only one in Singapore... Well, if you don't count the one at Night Safari la... Finally done my bit as a true blue fan by visiting its parlour... Yeah!

How to keep yourself entertain when someone is hogging the mike during KTV?

By making your other KTV kakis to pose stupid pictures with ya! :D

How to create sparks in your relationship?

By going to an amusement park and take scary rides together! Especially those that get you both wet! The wetter, the better!! Wahaha!!

Don't we make a beautiful couple? Aww...

That's what you drive when you don't have a license...

I don't like myself... Don't like my life... Don't like EVERYTHING about myself for now!

Ok... I confess... I'm not myself today... Actually, I'm very sad... So Sad... That it seems that nothing can be done to it... NOTHING! For now...

There's so many things going on in my life... So many negatives but yet, I'm not daring enough to face them directly... Call me a coward, call me anything you like...
For now, I suck!!!...
For now, I don't like the person I am...
For now, I don't like who I am...

Spoilt...

Ok, I admit... I'm a spoilt brat... Spoilt by my parents since young... Same goes for my younger brother... We're known as the spoilt brats... Just like one of those little spoilt brats in Singapore...
Not something I'm proud of, definitely...

However, I've to say something regarding this subject... For those who really detest us spoilt brats, I need to clarify something here... We being brought up as spoilt brats is not something we choose to be... Such "phenomena" is because of what our dear society has led us to... Ask around...
How many Singapore family could actually led a well-to-do lifestyle with just the income of one parent?

Nah... Not many...

Except those lucky previous-generation spoilt brats who inherited their wealthy dads' monies... Other than them, not many actually could live with just our daddies' income...

Ok, back to my topic... Due to my parents' busy work schedule, my brother and I were mostly left by our own with our dear Filipino or Indonesian maids... So you can say that we were not really taught well by our parents... That's why the creation of these two brats...

However, what I want to say is that being a spoilt brat was not what we wanted to in the first place, and I'm sure neither it was in our parents' plan...
But since things have turned out this way, not that I'm saying we should continue our wildful ways...
But at least, give us some time to change our way of doing things...
Give us some time to realise that what we're doing is wrong...
Please don't judge us so soon...

For those who knows me and those who reads my blog knows that I've a dysfunctional family... I'm openly admitting to it... Not something to be proud of... But something I'm honest about...

However, as much as I ramble on my family stuffs... I still love them... They are afterall my family... I'm still protective over them... I still feel terrible when people talks bad about my family...

"I can talk bad about them 'cause they're my family members, but it's not ok when you do the same"

That is why I don't comment much on other people's family members... 'Cause it is their family members... Who am I, as an outsiders, to comment... Isn't it?

So for now... This spoilt brat shall continue her journey to be a better person... She's only asking for more time and patience...

Welcome!~...

Heyo!!
Realised recently that several of my friends actually got hold of my blog address...
Welcome welcome!~ To the little world of mine...

This blog is set-up supposedly as an avenue for me to blah about my thoughts... Didn't tell anyone about it at first... But as time flies, told some of my close friends... And recently, it gets spread around... Which is totally cool with me... Hehe... Happy to see my tag-board gets active! :)

School's starting soon!! I kinda missed studying... Really unusual coming out from me... Especially those who knows me... Ha! But it's true... I missed sitting down with a textbook studying... So it seems like it's a good time to start school... However, still... There's some mixed feelings to the whole school reopen thingy...
Excited: 'cause my boy is joining me in school... It's been around 7 years since we were last classmates... Ha! This better be good... :)
Sad: 'cause holidays are ending... No more slacking days, no more holidays... :(

It's been quite a holiday! Enjoyed myself thoroughly... Had my trips, to KL, to Bangkok... Though all regional, but was fun!... Had my biological clock turned upside down with all the late-night outings... Ha... Almost went to explore the whole of Singapore's night-life... No worries... I didn't club much, just went driving and eating around Singapore at late-nights... That's all... Been a good girl, been a good girlfriend... Not bad... Hope things stay this way... :)

Anyway, 'nuff said about my life... Will soon be back again... But for now, Ciaoz peeps!






P.S. Keep my tag-board active k... Muackzzz

Sick...

I'm sick...

The doc says it's food poisoning... Very bad case of diarrhoea and tummyaches... Have been bed-ridden for the past 2 days...

Through this experience, I'm really grateful to those who showed me the care and concern... Thanks... Especially to my boy, who's Sunday morning sleep was ruin by my terrible tummyache...

When you are sick, you become a child... A difficult one... One who really pisses the adults off... I'm now that kid...

When you are sick, you become an emotional wreck... Maybe because you have too much time to think, maybe because of the medication... I don't know... But you become someone you don't even recognise...

I can say that I've become someone else... Maybe for the time being... I hope... Someone scary... I'm pissed at any small events, at any small cock ups... sigh... Maybe it's the medication talking... I don't know... But what I know is I'm losing faith... In many areas... Hope the old me will be back soon...
I hope...

Ageing...

Received a phone call from my mom an hour ago... She was downstairs in her room... Supposedly asleep already... But... She sounded weak over the phone when I answered... She was having her giddy spell again... And requires me to go to her room right away...

Rushed down... She was lying on her bed... Apparently, she needs help to go to the toilet... Just by going to the toilet, she needs me to hold her to the toilet... After which, I brought her back to the bed and massage her head for her...

At that moment, my heart broke... Seeing her so weak... So helpless... So aged... My heart aches... I held on to my tears till I'm back to my room... What happen to my mom?! That strong woman who raised me? She is just 50 years old, and yet she has a body like a 70... For the second time in my 21st years, my heart broke for her... For those who knows me know about the turbulent relationship I have with my mom... But tonight, my heart goes all out to her again...

And to make matter worst... All these while with my dad in the next room having his usual mahjong sessions, my brother in his room... I agree with the fact that I have a dysfunctional family... But... Can't I have little family love here? My dad plays a very important role here in futhering the dysfunctional trait in this family... He makes me wonder if all marriages end up this way like theirs... Does many years of marriage really kill the love till this extent? Maybe he loves her... But... He is not showing the basic care and concern here! Hello? Is it that difficult to stop playing your bloody mahjong for 1 day?

Ageing...
Now seems to be swallowing my mom...
Now seems surrounding me...
Now seems terrible to me...
Now seems so real to me...

Worried...

I'm worried...

Worried about my brother's newfound faith... Worried about how is he coping with adolescence... Worried about the company he mixes with... Worried about what they do...

I kind of have a mix feelings when my brother started embracing his new faith...

Happy : 'Cause finally he has something for him to put his faith in...

Worried : 'Cause I don't really know what's going on in his life anymore... His life revolves around his church... And I have no idea what they are keeping him busy with...

He stays in his room, reading up his bible studies... And recently, I realise he's fasting... Skipping his lunch... For... His prayer... And according to him, by fasting, his prayer will be more sincere... And his prayer turns out to be him praying for his youth growth...

I don't know... But doesn't it seem worrying to u guys?... I'm worried... Very... Don't know if that's what the rest of the Christians do... But we are talking about my brother here!! The very big-sized brother who never say no to food... Fasting!! Sigh... I don't even know how to react to this whole thing! To be glad that he is so serious about something? Or to be worried as what I'm doing now?

Maybe it's just a growing phrase... Maybe he is really serious about this whole thing... But whichever case, I kind of feel like losing my brother along the way... I still love him... Definitely... But... I no longer know what's going through in his mind anymore... And for that, I blame myself... For not being able to be there for him...

Sometimes, I feel more like a mother to him than a sister... I treat him more like a son than a brother... Maybe that's because I was the mother all the while... So, I'm actually experiencing what all adolescents' mothers experience..

Worrying...

Drained...

What is bloody wrong with my mom?!?!

Sorry, it's another post dedicated to the craziness of my mom's doing...

Sigh... Have been working at my mom's eatery at JB... Worked as a waitress there... My boy used to worked as a waiter and after that short period of hard work, he came to a conclusion... The day you become a waiter, people no longer treats you like a human... And let me tell you... IT REALLY WORKS THAT WAY!! And to make matter worse... I'm working at freaking MALAYSIA! Serving the snobbish SINGAPOREANS who thinks that I'm a bloody Malaysian waitress, if not, then I'll be serving the Malaysians who thinks that I'm some cute little thing which they can step upon on or picked up easily... WHAT EXACTLY IS WRONG WITH MY LIFE?!

And guess what, my mom thinks she got the best deal... ME! Squeeze me dry, make me slog my arse off... She can manipulate me so easily... At one point, she can make my day by telling me that I do not need to work... And next thing I know, she just pull me out of all my plans and make me go do my job... I won't know my schedule till the day before... She will only tell me if she needs me the day before, expecting me to be free just because I'm on holidays... You are a free-loader! So you're expected to be on the call 24/7!!

What is wrong with these people?!

Sigh... And not as if they paid me big bucks or that I desperately needed the money... "Doing it FOR the family"... Family?! By doing waitressing in Johor Bahru?! That really helps the family heh...

What kind of family is that?! Now, THAT is my family! Welcome to the Adam's family...

I'm Pissed by a S-T-R-A-N-G-E-R...

I'm pissed... From a stranger...

I've been getting VERY offensive comments from my posts and EVEN on my NEW tag-board... On MY tag-board which I spent half an hour putting it on!! This A**-H*** actually contaminate my dear tag-board!!

Was it something I've done in my PUBLIC life that I've offended someone or was it something I've posted in my blog that cost me to have such an offensive comment?

NO... Not that I know of... I've never name names on my blog posts! So?? This anonymous person has officially raised my attention and also to my few close friends who knows about my blog... They were all very concern regarding this offensive anonymous S-T-R-A-N-G-E-R... They were all telling me that there're just some boring sick people existing going round leaving stupid comments... And that I agree... And thanks to you, offensive-anonymous-stranger, you've just became a talking topic among my circle of friends... And allow me to actually believe that there is such life-less people around...

And just when I'm bothered about what topics I can blog on... Ha... Ta-dah! One long post... All thanks to an OFFENSIVE-ANONYMOUS-STRANGER...

Slut...

I just received the very first comment for my blog... When I first saw that "1 comment", I was thrilled... Finally, someone commented on my blog... And when I opened it, whao... How great it is... Someone actually termed me as a SLUT...

Slut: an offensive term to be used on a woman (according to encarta dictionary)

Whao! Slut... It really made me wonder... What have I wrote on that post to receive such a comment? Or what had I wrote on previous posts that I might had offended anyone? I really wonder... But... It's all just a comment... Whether I'm slut or not... It's really up to those close to me to comment on... What the rest of the world thinks about me is really up to them...

Of course I'm sad... Slut... From a stranger... But, as I've said... A stranger... Someone who doesn't know me... Unless, this "nice" stranger would like to reveal itself... But till then, who really cares...

Anyway, enough of slutty comments... Ha... Coming back to reality... I'm at a cross-road now... Decision-making time... Many issues are waiting for me to decide... Especially for now, coming from home... There're a few important financial issues which needs my nod to...

Why? Just because I'm 21? Just because I'm the eldest? Or just because I'm soft-hearted? Am I?

I don't know... All I know, I'm sad... Sad from the harsh reality that I live in an environment whereby I've to be on my guard 24/7... Whereby, I can't even trust my close ones... When life becomes like this, it has no meaning to it... I'm lost... Really lost... What I decide tonight is going to determine my future... And for what my future beholds, I've no clue to it...

I've once told a few close friends of mine over lunch... That I really like my boy's family... Ha... Funny isn't it? Liking someone else's family...
Well, that's because it's a normal loving family... Whereby, the whole family sits down for dinner and talk about the day's work... Whereby, everyone cares for everyone from the very bottom of their heart... You don't doubt on the kindness your close ones shown to you... And you don't feel restricted on stuffs you can say to them, worrying that one day, they used it against you... You don't! You don't do such stuffs in a Normal family... But... It's the normality that I miss, that I crave for...

"God is fair"... Many had said... And I agree... For what I have, there stuffs which I don't have... And for now, I'm willing to have a switch... For what I crave for I don't have...

Tired...

I'm tired...

Posting this blog from my workplace... Not much of a official work la... More of helping the family out la... On a Sunday!!! On a cool, lazy Sunday!! Blogging from a faraway place called BoonLay... Arrgh... I'm suppose to be sleeping at home... Lazying around etc... But... Never mind... Sigh...

And for your info... I'm not suppose to use the internet in the office.. Ha... So I'm actually blogging illegally...

Anyway, I just celebrated my 2 months with my boy!! :D Surprised me with 3 big lilies that day... Wasn't having a good day that day, but all thanks to his surprise with the help of my dear friend, Jun Jun, was cheered up... Thanks dear and Jun Jun... Love you guys dearly...

I'm tired... Dragging my feet to work... Dragging my feet to everywhere... It seems like my feet weighs a ton... Leaving a trace behind me every step I take... But seems like my head weighs even heavier... Sighing whenever I can... There're stuffs which I know I've to settle... But... For now, let me take some time off... Off from everything... And get a breather...

Ramblings...

It's been a long time since I last blogged! Almost a month already! And from my previous post, very soon it'll be my second monthlysary... Hehe... Time flies...

Update of my life since my previous post... I've finally finished with my dreaded exams... FINALLY!! Yeah! Ha... Have been slacking ever since... Meeting up with friends to make up for the lost times while preparing for exams... Went to many gatherings... Each consist of different groups of friends of mine... Most went well... So well that I forgot how much I've missed them till I went for the gathering... :)
But... Life isn't perfect... There are a few which turn out to be quite a disappointment... Maybe the time gap had already made a difference in our friendship...

From these whole events, it made me realised something. Apparently, friendships comes in 2 kinds. There're those which could withstand time gaps and still stand strong with just once in a blue moon meeting. You'll look forward to go whenever there's such a gathering.

However, there're some friendship which require constant contact to keep it strong... Constant meet-ups... Not that it is so weak that it could not withstand the test of time... But... Let's just say that it kind of feel different when we meet up after a long time of absence... It no longer feels the same... I do not know the reason for it... But.. Of course I do hope we could do all we could to make things the same as before... 'Cause, there stuffs which I've been through with these friends which I would never able to get from others... However, it has to be a two-way traffic... Same as relationship... It takes two to clap... It would be of no use if I'm the only one trying to make this to work...

'Nuff said on my friendships... Talking about relationship... Hmmm... It's soon going to go into the Big 2!! 2 months la... Ha... Things are going fine... We're actually planning a trip overseas soon... It's not our first trip together... Went Bintan last year... Was a good trip... Erm... If you are wondering... Yeah... We went to Bintan on the basis that we're still best pals... Ha... So the upcoming trip would be the first trip we go as a couple! I've been quite excited about this whole trip, even though it is still at it's planning stage.. Ha... Nothing concrete has been set... Not even the destination...

And talking about the destination... Was deciding between Bali or Bangkok... For my case... Of course it's Bali... For those who've been there... You know what I mean... Bali... It's fabulouso!! Ha... It's everything... At least for me... The 3 S-es, the shopping, the nightlife, the volcano, the paddyfield, the culture... It's the full package!

But... As you see it's a trip as a couple... I can't just neglect my boy's opinion and feelings... And most importantly, his financial status... And it seems like Bangkok would be of a better deal for him... So... As much as I want to go back to Bali, it seems like Bangkok is THE place for us... Trying to convince myself by blog-surfing on those who went Bangkok and had their lovely pictures of the Land of Smiles... Bangkok... It's a shopping paradise! We could live like kings there! Eat and shop and eat and shop! Ha! Mah Boon Krong... Here we come! :D

So whichever case, I need to leave this place... DESPERATELY! I'm drowning here... I need the break from everything... Be it Bali, Bangkok or even Kuala Lumpur... I NEED TO LEAVE THIS SMALL DOT! Ha... So till then, I'll try to update more often... And not squeeze everything into 1 post... Sorry to have such a long one this time... Promise to keep my post short and sweet next time... Till then... Ciaoz!~

To The One I Love...

HAPPY ONE MONTHLYSARY!!!

It's been a month ALREADY dear!!! Whao!! How time flies while you are enjoying yourself... But no worries... 'Cause this happiness will have many many more months to come by...

Find myself love you more as each day pass by... Though there were hiccups here and there like you said... BUT... It's been a wonderful month...

Thank you dear...

Erm... Shall not wallow too much of these Mushy stuffs online... Will keep some private...

So for now... Let me bask into my happiness and glee with joy!~ :D

The Very Moment...

I'm glad to say that I'm having a great relationship with my Boy... Everything is going well... And everyone around us are being very supportive, family and friends... Really thank you guys for being cool regarding this relationship of ours...

However, apparently it seems like these lovely angels are too overly concern about us... Both of us realise that we have been questioned by many regarding things between the two of us... For the first few ones, we were still quite happy to answer to their concern... But as time pass, we realised that we have been answering to MANY
"So, how's things between you guys?"

It becomes so often that it starts to make me wonder what answer are these people looking for? Are you all really that concern? I shall not dwell on the motive behind these questions... For now, I'll still continue giving that smile with that same answer I give to everyone... "Everything is going very well... Thanks!"
That's it! Not letting out more...

What's between us STAYS within us... And what's in the past STAYS in the past...

For what we want is...
Like what my Boy puts it nicely...

THE VERY MOMENT...

Feeling good...

I'm feeling happy recently... One of the very rare moments in my short 21 life... Though, there are still a few unsettled issues... But generally everything seems to be going well...

Emotionally... I'm well-fed by someone special...

Family-wise... Everyone seems fine and happy (hope it last this way)...

Monetary-wise... Still getting on well (though would not mind with more)...

Studies-wise... Let's just say that I'm doing all the praying to all kinds of gods and goddesses I can think of...

Friends-wise... Everyone is busy with their own lives, but messages are exchanged once in awhile to keep each other updated...

So, overall... I'm good! Feeling good... Thanks to many lovely angels around me... Especially, to the special one... Thank you for the laughters you have gave me ... And the love you have filled me with... You taught me how to love and how to recieve love... Thank you...
For tolerating me and loving me...
For pissing me off at times...
For having the ability to control my emotions...
Thanks my dear...

Feeling good...